Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves

c/o Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90212-1825
USA

Dear Keanu,

This Sudoku is rather tricky, so I am hoping you can help me solve it.

Cheers,

Jeremy David

Oprah Magazine

Amy Gross, Editor in Chief

O, The Oprah Magazine
300 West 57th Street
New York, NY 10019-5915

August 30, 2006

Dear Amy Gross,

Last week I was bicycle touring along the Sunshine Coast. On Wednesday, after two days of intense cycling, I took a much needed break. My friend and I set up our tent at Porpoise Bay, and spent the afternoon lounging on the beach, waves rolling at our feet, the sun shining on our faces, and the wind blowing through our hair. It was the perfect afternoon, until I read your magazine.

I know I am not a middle aged woman, but I respect Oprah as a person and thought I would enjoy her magazine. I read the article “Why It’s Harder to Receive Than to Give” by Martha Beck, and was shocked that the article was published.

“All scholars agree, though, that those ancient Greeks could crank out dandy psychological metaphors, and one message in Pandora’s story is that gifts are psychologically loaded, full of potential to cause misery for the receiver… Think of the manipulative mother who gives her chubby daughter clothing a size too small… or the creep who buys sexy lingerie for a neighbor’s wife. These gifts can bring destructive energy into our psyches like soldiers in a Trojan horse… In the long run, we can’t stay emotionally healthy without accepting gifts… Refusing to receive leaves us chronically empty, prone to addiction, obsession, codependency, or an eternal psychological hunger that’s never quite satisfied…”

Are these statements based on facts? I would like to see some evidence supporting these claims.

“Take a bill from your wallet that’s large enough that you’d be upset if you lost it – maybe $1, maybe $100. Go to a public place, like a park or a mall, and find a spot with sporadic foot traffic. Wait until no one’s looking. Place your money on the ground and retreat to a spot nearby, where you can see whoever finds it. The money is your gift to this person… your heart clenches at the thought of an addict buying drugs with it, or a lawyer sliding it into an Armani pocket… To receive openheartedly, paradoxical though it seems, we have to endure the stages of grieving.”

This is absurd. I’m going to stop quoting now.

I know you are an exceedingly busy person, but I am hoping you will provide me with some insight into the article before I completely lose faith in the Oprah magazine. Could you please explain to me what these facts are based on, paraphrase the article emphasizing the key points, and “read between the lines” for me?

Thank you in advance for helping me reevaluate this article. I know I am just one person, but when executives share their experience and insights with simple people, it becomes a very valuable learning experience.

Cheers,

Jeremy David

Academy Awards 2

ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES

BEVERYLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA

August 23, 2006

Dear Mr. David,

We received your letter regarding an invitation to become a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Unfortunately, there is no record that you were invited this year.

It will be extremely helpful if you can provide us with a copy of the actual invitation that you received from the Academy or submit it by facsimile. Please add any other information that will assist us in clarifying this matter.

You can contact the Membership Office at the following address and phone numbers.

AMPAS
Membership Office
8949 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

310-247-3000×118 310-859-9619 fax

Thank you for your attention and I apologize for any inconvenience that this may have caused.

Sincerely,

Arlene Vidaurreta
Membership Office
membership@oscars.org

AMPAS
Membership Office
8949 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

August 29, 2006

Dear Arlene,

Unfortunately, amidst the excitement of receiving the invitation I seem to have misplaced it. I will do my best to locate it, but I am doubtful that it will turn up as I have spent many hours in search already. I even called the company that picks up my garbage, but they were unwilling to look for the letter. It was a white sheet of paper, in an envelope, inviting me to become a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

I am confused by your most recent letter. You have confirmed that I received an invitation but tell me that there is no record that I was invited – implying that there is a mistake in your records. Did you lose your copy of my invitation as well? What a coincidence! Regretfully, I do not think I can be much help to you here, in Victoria, as I am not very familiar with your record keeping system. Have you looked in all your filing cabinets?

I understand that it would make things simpler for you if I sent you my copy of the invitation, but as I outline above, that is not possible.

I am still very excited about joining the Academy and I wish you the best of luck clarifying this matter. If I can be of any further assistance, please let me know.

Thank you for your timely response; I appreciate your apology.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Peter Robinson

Peter Robinson, CEO
Mountain Equipment COOP
149 West 4th Avenue,
Vancouver, B.C. V5Y 4A6

August 28, 2006

Dear Peter,

Exactly 7 days ago I embarked on a tour bicycling adventure down the Sunshine Coast (in British Columbia).

My trip began at 7:00 AM when my friend Jaylene and I drove from Victoria to Campbell River. We biked 30 KM to Comox and took a 3:30 ferry, arriving at Powell River close to 5. After stopping at Safeway for some food, we continued our journey.

The hills were intense. I wanted to die. We made it to our first campsite at 8:00, and that evening I wrote a poem.

biking.
up.
down.
hills.
fast.
exciting.
speeding.
heavy.
gravel.
wobbling.
fear.
uncontrolled.
falling.
grinding.
gliding.
still.

i cry.

Thank you for outsourcing your manufacturing to such high-quality “export processing zones”. Thanks to the made-in-china gloves I purchased from your store, my hands were unscathed by my fall. Had I not been protected by your gloves, I would have had to abort my tour bicycling trip on day one. Swimming across the pavement was actually sort of funny – especially since the only parts of me damaged were my shoulders, hip, and ego.

Have a great week,

Jeremy David

"give me some advice"

Mr. Jeremy Peters,

This may be your first official fan mail. It may not be; however, I am hoping for the former. I truly admire your desire to keep traditional mail alive. However, I have concern to believe that not everyone does.

The scenario so far….

UVIC , as wonderful and amazing as they are, sent my certificate of eligibility to enter Japan in the general mail. Oops! Not only was it mailed general mail (no tracking available) it was not addressed to my apartment (I am partly to blame; however, not the main point). This delicate and beautiful piece of paper is now officially gone. Lost! Done! I have no way of finding it! Now Jeremy, I am unable to get into Japan without this piece of paper. Oh how convenient! I am supposed to leave Sept. 9th!

This is where I need you. I mailed Moya Greene (CEO of Canada Post) a request to help me find my mail. I even sent it priority courier (to set a good example). She has made no attempt to contact me to date. Isn’t she supposed to be the CEO of Canada Post - shouldn’t she enjoy writing mail!?

I was hoping with your broad knowledge of the mail services you would be able to give me some advice as what to do next!

Sincerely,

Amy Bowen

Dear Amy,

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Moya Greene is personally responsible for the loss of your letter. How dare she not instill policies that ensure mail is delivered to the correct person, even if it is addressed incorrectly.

You may feel it is necessary to declare war on Canada Post. Please do not do anything violent. I’ve heard of people going to a wholesaler, buying several thousand envelopes, and addressing them all to a random address.

In the top left corner, people have written the address of the actual “addressee” of the letter. Then, deposited the letters in mailboxes around the city, without postage.

Without postage, the letters are returned to the “return to sender” address with “INSUFFICIENT POSTAGE” stamped across them.

I wonder what someone would do with 1000 letters. I’d hope he or she would recycle them.

Thank you for your letter,

Jeremy David

Dear Visitor

Dear Visitor to my Website,

Maybe I should be more specific. Dear one of three regular visitors to my website,

As you read this letter, I am peddling my bicycle and/or camping. I have embarked on a 5 day tour bicycling trip. Thanks to the wonders of Wordpress, I am able to post-date this post, and have it appear on Monday.

“Why didn’t you post date letters for this week?”

Because I am lazy.

Don’t worry! On Monday, August 28th I will write a letter to a celebrity about my trip. Maybe I’ll try to track down Paris Hilton’s address… or not.

I have another surprise in the works. It will debut Monday, September 4th.

Enjoy your week!

Jeremy David

Donald Trump

The Trump Organization
725 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10022

Dear Donald,

I have a blog, and everyday I write a letter to a new person. Today, I couldn’t think of anyone to write to, or what to write about. It’s really problematic.

I am hoping you can have one of your staff help me think of some ideas. I’m thinking funny, slightly sarcastic. Maybe that cool woman from the Apprentice could assist me. That’d be great!

Thank you in advance for your help!

Jeremy David

Stephen Hawking

S.W.Hawking@damtp.cam.ac.uk

Dear Stephen Hawking,

I would like to send you some fan mail.

Please provide me your mailing address.

Jeremy David

Earls

Earls Head Office
108B-949 West Third Street
North Vancouver, BC, V7P 3P7
Telephone: 604.984.4606
Fax: 604.984.2263

Some people see a glass of water as half full; some see it as half empty.

Last weekend, when I went to the Earls on Robson Street in Vancouver, my bowl of soup was certainly half empty. More accurately, it was 7/8ths empty. At first, when the server delivered my food, I thought she may have accidentally put down someone’s half eaten dinner. But no, the nearly empty bowl of soup was certainly the real deal.

I’m not typically one to complain, especially when I’m on a date and trying to impress someone. So I kept quiet, “enjoyed” my 6 spoonfuls of soup, ate my salad, paid for dinner, gave a generous tip, and left.

I was hungry for the rest of the night, and grumpy. My empty stomach was making all sorts of embarrassing noises! At the movie theater when my date bought popcorn, I ate considerably more than my fair share. I also gorged an entire box of Junior Mints! Gluttony is a sin, you know! My date has yet to call me back.

I’m not going to sue you, nor do I expect any compensation. I just wanted to let you know that your restaurant destroyed my potential relationship. Mistakes have consequences, and I have suffered because of yours.

I know you personally didn’t ladle the soup into my bowl, but I would assume that you implemented some level of quality control in your restaurants.

Maybe you should write a memo outlining the dire consequences of a nearly empty bowl of soup.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Canada Post

Moya Greene, CEO
Canada Post Place
2701 Riverside Drive
Ottawa ON
K1A 0B1

To Whom It May Concern: Dear Moya Greene,

Mail is amazing. Beautiful stationary, crisp folds - it’s exquisite. I love mail almost as much as I love my country.

Unfortunately for me (and especially for Canada Post), mailing letters is becoming tres passé. In order to protect this medium of communication, I have created a blog on which I post the letters that I mail people. I haven’t been receiving any responses, so I visited the Florida State University’s Letter Writing Guide for some advice regarding writing this letter to you.

Apparently, I need to follow the “rules of layout and format of a standard business letter.” I’m not exactly sure what a standard business letter looks like, so I would really appreciate it if you would mail me a standard business letter. I will re-send this letter in the format of the letter you send me.

slant letter toward what you can offer employers, not what you think they should be offering you

I am not looking for employment. However, I did some quick math and figured out that if I want to keep this website going, I am going to have to spend more than $260 this year on postage alone! Wow! That’s a lot of money! Well, not for a huge organization like Canada Post. But for a starving student – it adds up to a lot of boxes of KD. Having my postage subsidized would be very helpful. Oh shoot! I’m already doing this all wrong!

Blogging has exploded in popularity, and donating stamps to my website will give you a unique opportunity to advertise the importance of Canada Post, at a very nominal cost!

address, whenever possible, to an individual, along with his/her correct title

See Correction.

take advantage of any link to the employer that can put your foot in the door or give you an edge over the competition (for example, mentioning the name of someone you know in the organization)

I was talking to John from Accounts Receivable, and he seemed to think this was an excellent idea! Please don’t ask him though… he probably will tell you he that he has no idea what you are talking about. He’s such a kidder, that John…

close with a direct request for some sort of action (i.e., interview appointment)

I’m really looking forward to your generous donation of stamps. Not only will it make my letter writing addiction less expensive, but it will also revitalize the letter-writing industry.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Rocketboom

Rocketboom
P.O. Box 804
Planetarium Station
New York, NY 10024-0545

Andrew Baron and Joanne Colan,

I am writing you this heated letter in preemptive response to your nonresponse to this letter.

Signed,

Jeremy David

Sigourney Weaver

Sigourney Weaver
c/o International Creative Management
8942 Wilshire Boulevard,
Beverly Hills
CA 90211
U.S.A.

Dear Sigourney Weaver,

I was hoping you could help me design a tree-house. I’m thinking something very contemporary - although I trust your judgment if you have any other ideas.

Thanks for your help!

Jeremy David

Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart c/o
Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia
11 West 42nd Street, 25th Floor
New York, NY 10036

Dear Martha Stewart,

I just wanted to send you a quick thank you for insider trading, and lying to the FBI.

You are the craft, decorating, and homemaking guru. Millions of women across the word idolize you, and I knew that this little incident could not tarnish your brand. When your stock price plummeted, I knew it would bounce back.

Thanks to your little faux-pas, I made $217,000.

The next time you plan on doing something… under the table… please give me a sign. How about sending me a recipe for cookies if I should sell your shares, and sending me a recipe for cake if I should buy?

Ha ha ha just kidding! *wink*

Please and Thank You!

Jeremy

Google

Google Inc.
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, CA 94043
phone: (650) 253-0000
fax: (650) 253-0001

Dearest Google,

You have successfully seduced me with your words. You are magnificent and spectacular in every way imaginable, and I think it is time for us to take our relationship to the next level.

As a corporation you are a “legal person”, and a legal person can, and should, get married. I want to be your husband.

I am more than willing to sign a prenuptial agreement – I have no interest in your multibillion dollar estate. The only thing I need from you is your commitment and companionship. I love you, and know that you love me.

For a time I thought I loved another, but no, I was fooling myself. You are my one and only. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Google, will you marry me?

Jeremy David

Steven Spielberg

Steven Spielberg c/o
DreamWorks SKG
100 Universal Plaza, #601
Universal City, CA 91608
(818)-777-4600

Dear Steven Spielberg,

Everyday I check the newspaper in eager anticipation for a sequel to Jurassic Park 3 (which is arguably one of the best films of our generation). Even though this concept is nearly impossible to conceptualize, the movie would have been ever better had you filmed it. That is why it is necessary for you to direct, write, and star in Jurassic Park 4.

I have an idea (patent pending) for Jurassic Park 4. Subtitled: Dinosaurs on a Plane.

The movie will be a prequel to the first Jurassic Park. A jumbo passenger jet has to make an emergency landing on Isla Nublar (the island where the first Jurassic Park took place. See Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton). After being refueled, the passenger jet takes off and continues to its destination. Unbeknownst to the crew and passengers, a pack of Velociraptors sneaks aboard the plane. Actually scratch that, one passenger, a little boy, sees the dinosaurs through the window but no one believes him. His mom hits him and screams “STOP LYING TO ME!” You see, everyone in her life had lied to her. To illustrate this to the viewers of the movie, the screen dissolves (with that fancy spiral effect) to a flash back of her on a plane seeing refugees sneaking on the plane and her mom hitting her and accusing her of lying. It’s quite beautiful, really.

Anyway. The dinosaurs hijack the plane, yadda yadda yadda, the plane crashes and everyone dies. And just when you think the movie is over the screen goes unblack and you see a raptor swimming underwater towards the shore. Sort of like the Aliens do in Alien Resurrection.

Thank you for taking the time to read my screenplay. Feel free to use it, however, I expect $47,000,000.27 if it goes into production.

Cheers,

Jeremy David

George W. Bush

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear George,

Let me start by saying that I thank God every night since I found you. You came into my life when everything seemed so dark but you provided the light to find my way.

I can’t explain why I feel this way about you. You called the ¾ of Americans who support stem cell research murders. Yet, I still see you glowing in evanescent light. You hate gay people, and you perpetuate a state of fear in your country. There are so many things that you do wrong in the eyes of the international community, but still, I’ve never been so certain of anything in my life like I am of my love for you. You have totally changed my outlook in life and I thank you for that. I never thought that I could love someone like I do, and I haven’t even met you, and I doubt I ever will. You are my inspiration in life and you are my life. I love you more than words could ever express.

“You are a brook, a stream of metaphors, a torrent of eloquence, a reservoir of allegories.”

You are a terrorist invading my heart, but I pray no forces ever set me free.

Forever Yours,

Jeremy David

Queen Elizabeth

Her Majesty The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA

Ahoy Proud Beauty!

Because you be me favorite Monarch, I wrote ye a poem.

“whar be the galley,
know ye barnacle-covered Skull & Scuppers,
be that galley, matey”

You be needin’ to carve that there poem into your royal scepter. Be warned, I be hankerin to steal ye treasure and seize all yer doubloons. Me dear ol mum, bless her black soul, tol me to come across buried trasure. know ye me mate, ol Rumpot.

How be t’ lads? I reckon we swill a pint or two of grog!

I be needin to have a bit of a lie down.

arrr,
Jeremy

Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep c/o
Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90212-1825
USA

Dear Meryl Streep,

I’ve never written “fan mail” before… but I felt inclined to write you.

I remember the first time I saw one of your films. I cannot remember the title, but your character was involved in some legal dispute with a huge corporation. The company poisoned some town, and the protagonist, who you played, brought the corporate conglomerate to its knees. I was ecstatic when you won the Academy Award for Best Actress.

In this era of mainstream media’s perpetual selling of sex, it’s refreshing to see an actress who remains so elegant. Not many could play a classy prostitute, but you pulled it off flawlessly. Pretty Woman is a timeless movie, and your character will live on forever.

And in Closer… so seductive and mysterious. I don’t know how you do it. Well, actually, I guess that’s why you are famous. That and your perfect smile.

If I had two wishes, I would first create world peace, and then meet you.

Thank you for being such a talented actress.

I’m sure you get hundreds of letters every day, but I would be eternally grateful if you could send me a reply.

Jeremy David

Academy Awards

Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
8949 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90211

Receiving your invitation to become a voting member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was unequivocally the most significant moment in my life. I am honored to be afforded this opportunity, and I sincerely thank you for your consideration.

I feel as though I am at the podium accepting an Oscar, as I am having trouble finding words to succinctly and eloquently express how I feel. I thank you, now and forever, for adding this fulfillment to my life.

I look forward to your correspondence, and I eagerly anticipate the next steps in this process.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Jim Donald

Jim Donald
CEO Starbucks
PO Box 34067
Seattle, Washington
98124-1067

Dear Jim,

As I sit behind my computer listening to Johnny Cash’s cover of Gordon Lightfoot’s If You Could Read My Mind I am pleasantly reminded of how you personally made my day today.

I am a proud Starbucks Duetto Card holder, and I am writing this letter to thank you for sending me a coupon for a free sandwich and a Tangerine Frappuccino with my bill last month. This little act of generosity made me feel like a real person, and I applaud you for rubber stamping this initiative. My pleasant afternoon – sitting under a Starbucks’ umbrella enjoying these tasty treats – will live on in my memory until the end of time.

I cannot imagine what the world would be like without kind, generous, and thoughtful CEOs like yourself.

Enjoy the rest of your day, as I certainly have enjoyed mine.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David